Cleaning Routines That Don’t Suck the Soul Outta You (Mostly)
Grab your cleaning products! Just kidding! Let’s try to reduce the anxiety and cussing that usually goes along with cleaning the house.
Let’s be honest: if you’re like me, you’d rather watch paint dry than clean a baseboard. Or a toilet. Or-let’s just be real-anything that isn’t your face after crying from laughing over TikToks for an hour.
But alas, adulthood means we can’t live in a dust bunny kingdom forever. Or at least, not without judgment from our pets, spouse, or that one overly ambitious friend who owns a label maker and calls cleaning her “therapy.” (We don’t speak of her.)
So, I present to you: an effective, moderately lazy, sass-approved cleaning routine that doesn’t require you to sacrifice your sanity, weekend, or Netflix time.
Step 1: The Five-Minute Fake-Out
This is for when someone texts “Be there in 10!” and you haven’t even located your bra yet.
What to do:
Grab a laundry basket. Shove everything on the floor into it. EVERYTHING. Clothes, shoes, mail, that one sock that’s been there since the Carter administration.
Throw the basket in a closet like your life depends on it.
Light a candle. Instant illusion of cleanliness.
Spray cleaner in the air. Do not wipe anything. That’s future you’s problem. (Unless you have a science experiment growing on the stove or counter…you know who I’m talking to & you know we’ve all been there, no shame in this game).
Smile smugly when they compliment your “clean” house.
Don’t forget the different Wallflowers/Plug-Ins that have been empty for months that you can switch out.
My Fake-Out also includes folding any blankets on the couch and fluffing the cushions so they don’t look like they have our permanent butt indentions in them. And if things have gotten more out of control than what you thought, instead of just shoving that laundry basket in a closet, use one of the bedrooms to shove everything in! (Blame it on the kids!)
Step 2: The “I Clean Once a Week, So Don’t Judge Me” Game Plan
Monday - Microwave Mayhem:
Scrub out that weird chili explosion from 3 weeks ago. Bonus points if you don’t question what that smell is.
Tuesday - Toilet Tuesday (yay?):
Put on gloves. Pretend you’re a biohazard professional. Blast music. Scrub like you’re about to win an Olympic medal in toilet cleaning.
Tip: Make it a competition with yourself. Or your kid. Or your husband. Loser has to do laundry.
Wednesday - Wipe Down Wednesday:
Counters, sinks, fridge handles (why are they always sticky and have mysterious smears on them?!). Wipe it, don’t question it.
Thursday - Throw It Out Thursday:
That Tupperware full of ancient spaghetti? BYE. That random sock without a mate? GONE. That pile of “important” mail? It’s probably coupons from 2022. You’re free.
Friday - Floor It Friday:
Vacuum. Swiffer. Whatever makes the crumbs disappear. If you mop, you’re a domestic goddess and I bow down to you. (I literally just bought an automatic vacuum and mop so it will be one less thing that I have to do.)
Saturday & Sunday - Literally Anything But Cleaning:
You’ve earned it, babe. Rest. Hydrate. Judge people who clean on weekends.
Get everyone involved in helping with the cleaning!
My cleaning schedule was typically to do everything early Saturday morning, but we did a remodel of our house back last spring so that got switched up some once everything was finished. I now clean literally a little each afternoon/evening by just cleaning up as I go. So now with having literally a new house…I clean the stove after we’ve finished dinner, wash up the cookware (because of course it can’t go in the dishwasher), etc. Now on Saturdays, it’s just a couple loads of laundry (bedding & our weekly clothes) because it is just the two of us. (However, sometimes I wonder if someone else lives with us because of the messes, but know it is probably from him and I’m not questioning the stains on his clothes after being in the barn. So the question “Were you raised in a barn?” is so true with him.)😳🤦🏼♀️🙃
Step 3: Get the Family Involved or Stage a Protest
If you live with other humans, you should not be the only one scrubbing toilets. Unless you’re aiming for martyr status - and even then, no thanks - that’s a pass.
Options include:
Bribery. Chocolate, video game time, or letting them name the family vacuum. (Mine is named “Clean Latifa”.)
Chore charts, but make them sassy. (“Tuesday: Scrub like your ancestors are watching.”) - Here’s an example that I have made.
Passive-aggressive sticky notes. (Here is an example that you can put on the sticky notes. The rest can be found in my products page.)
Flat-out refusing until someone else does it. Bold. Risky. Deliciously petty. (You’ve gotta LOVE it! And my personal go-to.)
Step 4: Know Thyself (And Thy Limits)
If the thought of deep cleaning your entire house in one day gives you hives, don’t do it! Do what works for YOU! (I got anxiety just typing that sentence.)
Maybe that’s 15-minute cleaning bursts. (Set the timer and do what you can in that time & once the timer goes off, that’s it for that day.) Maybe assigning each kid a room and walking away. Maybe it’s hiring someone and never speaking of it again.
Because guess what? You’re not dirty or messy. You’re just creatively organized and emotionally allergic to dust, while also being physically allergic as well.
Growing up, mom always left us (the kids) a list to get done when we got off the bus from school to be done after homework was completed and before she got home. So if the kids get home before you, they can always get a head start on things and if they don’t, you control the WiFi password.
Grab those headphones (or blast from your speakers) & have your own concert while doing these quick chores.
This way, time goes faster & you can have that mic drop moment when you’re finished!!!
Final Thoughts:
Cleaning doesn’t have to suck. But if it must, at least do it in leopard print leggings, blasting Lizzo, while shouting, “I’m the CEO of Clorox, b*tches!”
Add a little sass. A little sparkle. A little rage-cleaning when necessary. And above all - remember, a clean house is a sign of a wasted personality. This is your home and you do LIVE in it.
Here is my playlist. Please feel free to use when psyching yourself up to get motivated!
